You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
12th May 2006
22nd March 2006
I have come to the conclusion that I am completely worthless. Don’t sit back and shake your head and comment and try to console me that I’m not, that I have a value. I don’t need that. :
Maybe not that I’m worthless, but being told all the time by your peers and parents and relatives and friends, not really even told, but the whole body language thing comes into play as well, but just the judging and ‘negative’ comments, or whatev.
No one will ever know what your going through. You are the only person that will ever know. People go through similar situations, but they aren’t you, they don’t know.
You have friends to console you of your worth, but even they piss you off.
I have one good friend, all the rest are like, eh whatev friends. They are there for entertainment to put it simply. You can’t tell them shit. So when I’m mad at my friend who do I tell? I have no one.
People online, I tell you stuff, but it’s not even, it’s not like, even real. In a sense you are as good as a papertowel, you soak up information, leak back a comment, and then that’s it. On the internet you are as thin as air. Worthless.
I will be judged by what I’m writing, probably offend a lot of people.
Right now I just feel so useless. I’m not trying to pull a ‘poor me’ card but I do, feel like I’m nothing to everyone. Teachers have favorites; I’m not one of them. I’m not popular, I’m not perfect, I’m not anything. I can’t sing, play an instrument, or stick with anything I ever start.
I will never have a good relationship with my father, and we’ve seen each other every day, almost, of my life. We live in the same house, and we never talk. It’s unfortunate to think that some kids would kill to be in my situation with their father, and I can’t tell my dad shit, I can’t. It’s easier to avoid him than try to get along with him.
Maybe I’m selfish.
There’s no way out of anything though. Not even death, God is supposedly going to judge you too, after you die, Judgement Day is coming. Life after death is now something I don’t look forward to. I’m sick of being judged. I can’t be accepted.
After reading this you won’t take me for what I am. You will judge like it or not, you will. I can’t control it, you can’t either. You will think I weird, you will think I have issues or depressed or just selfish. It’s a simple fact. And I hate it. I can’t stand being myself anymore. I’m sick of everything.
I need change. I need something new. Something I will never have I guess.
If you read all this, thank you. I owe you one, even though you do judge.
16th March 2006
9th March 2006
everyone, go check out myyearbook.com, it's kinda like myspace.com, but no music. :
joined track this week. I'm going to rip my effing legs off, i'm sore as hell. i'm getting stuck doing long distance b/c i'm about as fast as my 500 lb history teacher going after a twinkie! j/k j/k i'm not that fast. but i supposed have good pace. -however i take strides like 'person who is 5'3" and i'm like 5'9"' according to a few people. So now i have to work on my shitty strides
oh, i'm kinda lame but i need some ideas to vandalize this bridge. I already did some shit on it and now i'm ancy to do more, so plz, mention some ideas, like lines from a song or sumting, idk. LIke i said, i'm pretty lame!!!
4th March 2006
2nd March 2006
1st March 2006
LJ Interests meme results
Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list.
try this it's pretty neat even though mine sorta sucked
IF YOU ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, OR IF I AM ON YOURS, FILL THIS OUT PLEASE: :
1. real name:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in LOVE/have a crush at the moment:
10. favorite place to be:
11. favorite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. weirdest food you like:
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. POST A PICTURE OF YOU: (optional)
i'm joining a real group at my school for the first time in my life. I'm joining track! :
My dad finally gave the 'okay' even though last year when i tried to join track he told me 'track people never amount to anything' so i couldn't join.
This year i suppose i'm striving to never amount to anything, and i'm working hard at it.
I've been running a mile every night, sometimes more than a mile. I've got my time down to 7 mins, 59 seconds (for a mile)
Idk if thats good or not, but eh, whatev, i'm trying. I have to get a physical tonight...never had one... what do they do in a physical?
20th February 2006
okay, this really blows. :
BUT FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY READS MY JOURNAL:
MY fuckING SCHOOL HAS BLOCKED THIS SITE, AND SINCE I DON'T HAVE ACESS TO THE INTERNET THROUGH ANY OTHER PLACE ON A DAILY BASIS OTHER THAN SCHOOL I CAN NO LONGER UPDATE THIS OR EVEN CHECK OUT ANYONE ELSES JOURNAL REGULARILY ANYMORE. I JUST JOINED:
MINDSAY.COM MY NAME IS SOMETHING LIKE 'EMOLOVE SOMETHING OR OTHER, I DON'T REMEMBER. IF YOUR MY FRIEND, THEN I'M GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A FRIENDS ONLY ENTRY AND PUT MY # ON IT SO IF YOU WANNA TALK BOUT ANYTHING YOU CAN REACH ME.
I'M ALSO ON MYYEARBOOK.COM.
HOWEVER THOSE SITES WILL PROBABLY BE BLOCKED SOON TOO.
*NOTE TO STEVE* (THE SCHOOL'S TECH PERSON)
i effing hate you, your beard is dumb, and you smell like anus!
i will get on here every chance i get though. much love
15th February 2006
this doesn'tseem real. i mean i don't know for sure if i am pregnant, but if it just doesn't seem to be possible you know? Like after you have sex and your sitting there, i started thinking "THIS is where kids come from?!?" :
Ok, so i think weird thoughts. whatev.
talked to my brother last night. we talked for a whole half hour. It was nice, miss him, but that won't change a thing.
Current Mood: blank
14th February 2006
he left a message on my machine last night. :
better chance, or worse in this case, than i thought.
pray for me please!
stole this from fading-voices.
1. gum: original orbit
2. restaurant: this truck stop place outside of springfield,MO, my g-pa used to take me and my brother there every year the day our vacation was over. good memories.
3. drink: tea
5. type of weather: warm, summer
6. emotion: happiness
7. thing to do on a half day: hang out
8. late-night activity: hanging out w/ friends
9. sport: swim
10. city: stl
11. store: either hot topice or pacsun
When was the last time you-
12. cried: this morning
13. played a sport: dont remember
14. laughed: last hour
15. hugged someone: yesternight
16. kissed someone: sunday
17. felt depressed: it's been a while, still am
18. felt overworked: idk, lots
19. felt sick: right now
What was the last-
21. word you said: yeah really?
22. thing you ate: i don't remember
24. last thing you drank: like, water i think, or tea
25. place you went to: school duh
26. movie you saw: the girl next door
27. movie you rented: dark water
Who was the last person you-
28. hugged: mom
29. cried over: well, sorta myself and kenian and our mistake. does that count?
30. instant messaged: i never instant message, ever
31. danced with: idk, our dances are lame, but i'm going to one this friday!
32. shared a secret with: KENAIN
33. had a sleepover with: UH, WELL alanna. but i 'slept over' w/ kenain
35. went to a movie with: idk, April, but we skipped the movie
36. saw: uh, ben
37. were angry with: myself
38. cant take your eyes off: idk, kenian i suppose
39. obsessed over: kenian
Have you ever-
40. danced in the rain: yes, as a chile
41. kissed someone: duh, unfortunately b/c if i didn't i wouldn't be in the position i am in
42. done drugs: yes..
43. drank alcohol: mmhmmm
45. had a movie marathon: yeah i suppose
46. gone too far on a dare: i think i may have
47. spun until you were immensely dizzy: omg yes
48. school you to go: Knox County High, bleck!
49. name: Anne
50. gender: gilr
51. birthday: January 13th
52. relationship status: single w/ good 'friends'
53. nationality: german, swedish, english, french
55. i'm feeling: scared, nervous, worried
56. i'm listening to: the used, 'not listening'
57. i'm doing: this thingy. no wait, your mom. j/k
58. i'm talking to: no one
59. i'm craving: knowledge or my being
60. i'm thinking of: how stupid i a,
61. i'm hating: myself
62. love is: complicated, but worth everything
63. my first love: probly Kenian
64. my current love: uh... no one
65. love or lust: love is better, and longer lasting. But lust is GOOOOODDD!
66. best love song: 'i caught fire' by the used
67. Possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time: not truly in love, but yeah, love is this tricky thing.
68. when love hurts: it hurts like hell
69. Are you in love: idk, i'm sure if i was i'd know
70. turn ons: ummm... biting. idk
71. turn offs: uhhhh... lemme see... idk
72. do your parent's opinion on your gf/bf matter to you? : overtime
73. what kinda hairstyle are you into?: floppy emo boy hair!
74. What is the sweetest thing a girl/guy can do for you?: understand... and treat me w/ respect
75. where do you go to meet new people?: anywhere
76. are you the type of person to HOLLA and ask for numbers?: nope, i'm shy
77. dog or cat: both
78. short or long hair: long...ish
79. sunshine or rain: both
80. hugs or kisses: both
81. xbox or ps2: ps2
82. written letters or e-mails: written letters
83. Cars or motorcycles: cars
84. coke or pepsi: pepsi
85. house party or club: house party
86. sing or dance: dance
87. freak or slow dance: idk,
88. How are you today? nervous
‘89. what pants are you wearing right now? Vanity, i think
90. what shirt are you wearing right now? one i made,
91. what does your hair look like at the moment: idk
92. what song are you listening to right now? all that i've got by the used
93. how is the weather right now?: cold,
94.who was last person you talked to on the phone? Kenian
95. last dream: i don't remember
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had: :
3. more fat, curves
4. better friends/parents
Name Four Scents You Love:
1. new books
2. amor amor by cacheral
3. dryer sheets
4. axe body spray
Name Four People That Know You the Best:
1. my mom
4. my brother
Name Four Things You'd Never Wear in Public:
2. tank top
3. a shirt that says "Hottie", or any other lame saying like that
4. a rasta hat
Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. 'am i pregnant'
2. what will i do if i am
3. sunday night's sex
4. my biggest mistake ever
Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1. died, in a sense
2. talked a little more to kenian
3. stayed home
4. how bout sunday? never have gone to kenian's house
Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
Name Four Bands/Groups Most People Don't Know You Like:
1. third eye blind
2. goo goo dolls
4. alanis morrisett
Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
First Grade Teacher's Name?
Last Words You Said:
Last Song You Sang?
'all that i've got' by the used
Last Person You Hugged?
Last Thing You Laughed At?
When Kelly was making fun of Thor
Last Time You Cried?
This morning, well sorta
What's In Your CD Player?
What Color Socks Are You Wearing?
White w/ gray puma symbols
What's Under Your Bed?
well since my bed is like a bunk bed w/o the bottom bunk but a desk w/ a chair and my little recliner. There's a lot under my bed right now.
What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
minty orbit gum. but i'm hungry so i have a hungry taste
idk, haven't really looked at it this morning. Probly messy
white homemade shirt, jeans, pumas, soundgirl hoodie
to know if i am pregnant
Current Desktop Picture
default one, i'm at school
AM I PREGNANT???
myself for giving in sunday night
Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
hair, smile, lips
Last CD You Bought?
i bought 3 at the same time. Panic at the disco, the academy is..., relient k
Favorite Place To Be?
home, but when i'm home i'd rather be out w/ friends
Least Favorite Place?
doctor's offices, home, kenian's camper -b/c that means i'll probably do stuff i don't want to.
Time You Wake Up In The Morning?
my schedule varies, but somewhere between 5 and 8.
If You Could Play An Instrument?
it would be the guitar or drums. idk
green, black or pink
How Tall Are You?
Current Favorite Word/Saying?
idk, or dude, or whatev
summer, by far
One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To:
The past kenian, or chance, Great g-ma, or g-pa. Idk, there are lots!
Friday, or saturday
Where Would You Like To Go?
What Is Your Career Going To Be Like?
who knows, i don't have a clue
How Many Kids Do You Want?
none now, but maybe like 4 or 5. I want a big family.
Current Mood: nervous
13th February 2006
hello everyone? :
How was your wkend?
i was sick most of the time. I helped my youth group with the speghetti supper. It was good. Fun.
Friday my mom picked me up early from school, i got out of my spanish class early. Sweet.
We went to see my g-pa in the hospital. He seemed to be doing better.
Then i bought 3 fish. One black one w/ bug eyes, named him blink. A gold fish w/ a black spot on the end of his tail, named him Atreyu. And a orange and white one, named him Claudio. They are awesome
Last night i went to my 'NHS Party". Yeah, skipped the party. Instead i went and hung out with Kenian and got laid. Considering i've been sick all weekend, barfing, i was sick until i had sex. Then afterwards i felt tons better. Sex is good for something i suppose.
This morning i have 2 hickeys on my neck, nice. sweet huh? Not...
Still, pray i'm not pregnant. Used a condom this time, but it came off... not sure bout everything..
Current Mood: scared
10th February 2006
fun is so overrated
How is everyone today?
We had a lockdown at our school this morning.
The drug dog came and they searched out school!
i don't think they found anything on anyone, idk, no one tells me anything...
so wut r your plans this wkend?
I have none. Tonight i'm going to Columbia to see my g-pa in the hospital. Then tomorrow night i have to go help at this speghetti supper thing that my youth group is puttin on
Sunday i have 4 hrs of youth group.
I was actually going to do something fun this weekend too. but screw that.
9th February 2006
i'm a dumb kid!
i'm a dumb kid. I went to a basketball game last night, but i didn't go to the game. Confusing, yes, but really it's not.... Instead i went to my ex's house and we hung out, and then... we hooked up, Shouldn't have done it. :
i also smelled like cig smoke when i got home so now my mom probly thinks i smoke now. b/c kenian was always my excuse to why i/car smelled like smoke. And i wasn't posed to hang out w/ him last night. So i'm fucked, in more ways than one!
now to day, i just found out that that bitch courtney is back. I'm going to puke.
why can't everything just be like it was. I was happy for a while. Now i wanna just go to sleep and never wake up some days. Oh, btw, i'm not suicidal. mmkay?
Current Mood: at myself
8th February 2006
hmmmmmm... so how is eveyone? G-pa is still in the hospital, even after 4 weeks, he sat up for the first time in that 4 weeks. :
Talked to brother gf, well now wife, the other day. Everythings cool, she had food poisoning. Even though i 'like' her now, and we're getting along, i still get joy from her suffering. Idk why. but i do.
thanks for the comments everyone. I <3 you for it!
7th February 2006
6th February 2006